My Delicious Balls

Ok, finally time for a recipe. I am still totally grossed out by many many things--oh, the joys of gestation--but one thing that always remains safe is good old spaghetti.  Or in this case, spaghetti and these here almost-famous meatballs. Peeps have been asking for this recipe for years--from complete strangers to family members. My ex, a former chef, asked for these meatballs for Christmas last year (and got them, because i am awesome). Even my vegan (gay, polygamous--now there's a story...) neighbor seemed intrigued watching me make them, despite himself. These are some good balls--quite simple really, but people say they are the best, and who am i to argue?

I am, however, TERRIBLE at measuring stuff. Which makes me a pretty shitty baker. But thankfully, my darling, anal friend Mary was there saving the day as court stenographer the last time i made them, so we now have an actual recipe! Here ya go:


*1 large or 2 small onions, grated (not diced or minced unless you are a crazy good mincer--onion chunks in a ball gross me out)
*1 lb ground turkey

*1 lb turkey sausage
(**note: you can also be more traditionally Italian and use ground beef, lamb, and pork sausage--this makes your ball a bit richer, but something about the multiple animals is just kinda sick. Delicious, but sick. This is a good choice if you are not the cook and are not privy to this information.)
*4 eggs
*4 cloves garlic, crushed--or granulated garlic
*2 1/2 cup Italian style bread crumbs, or make your own with toast put in a food processor

Mash wet ingredients together with hands or potato masher. Add bread crumbs and roll into 2" balls. Fry in a shallow (about 1/4 or 1/3 inch) bath of olive oil, turning after a couple minutes so that all (or at least most) sides have a good sear on them so they retain their shape in the sauce.

Add sauce when balls are 1/2 cooked, simmer over low heat, covered, for about 20 minutes or so. You can also crock pot those babies and stew 'em for the day.


*1 large jar of spaghetti sauce, whatever your favorite is, or your own--occasionally i'll make my own, but usually i just doctor up a store-bought sauce
*5-6 marinated Peppadew peppers, minced or pureed (get these at the olive bar at the grocery store. and if you are me, try not to barf on the olives), optional
*Some peeled tomatoes--whatever ya got--i usually just use a can of diced tomatoes or stewed tomatoes, but in season i'll blanch, peel, and chop the homegrown ones
*Beef or chicken stock--i use the concentrated 'Better Than Bullion' paste kind, and brew it strong--enough to thin the sauce a bit
*Sugar, to taste--unless you have all f*%#ing day to stew, and then you can use a carrot to sweeten the sauce/cut the acid in the tomatoes. And if you have that kind of time, maybe you should get a job or have some kids, ya lazy turd.
*Fresh, chopped oregano, basil and parsley

And you're done!! Serve over spaghetti or capellini or linguine or whatever pasta you like. Top with Parmesan and another little splash of olive oil if you have the good stuff on hand. Even better the next day on a toasted sub with provolone and mayo--the mayo really takes it over the top. To paraphrase Mary, "Gentlemen, if your balls were this delicious, you'd get laid a helluva lot more often." Well put.


  1. I can't wait to gargle your balls. Usually, I do the non-kosher, multi-animal genocide kind. xo

  2. too funny! hanlon and i are going to make dinner together next week so i was getting ready to email you asking for this recipe, then i realized i still hadn't read your blog and you will literally cyber bitch slap me if another day goes by and i don't read your blog.(sorry for that run-on sentence.) and i'm so sorry it took me so long to read. you are doing a wonderful thing! i love you so much.