The Mangina Monologues

Upon receiving the latest issue of my husband's subscription to Woman's Day in the mail recently, i was inspired to ask my friends if, indeed, that is the gayest shit ever, or whether their partners/boyfriends were equally womanish. I mean, Woman's Day?? He might as well have pulled his lace negligee aside to reveal his freshly waxed bikini line, right there by the mailbox.

Thankfully, the responses i received assured me that i am not alone. I enjoyed reading about the feminine sides of the husbands and partners and dads i know and love, and imagining the raised eyebrows and stares of disbelief of the women married to them.


Let me preface this list of juicy tidbits with the disclaimer that my husband and all the partners included in this post have been inspected and found to be entirely vagina-free, are strong and sexy and even quite manly at times. This is in no way meant to insult any of you: if anything, we wish you were even more girly than you already are. And could bear children, while you're at it.

I must also say that Woman's Day is one of the suckiest pieces of dung in print. It's worse than Redbook and Family Circle when it comes to cheap, depressing, boring housewife magazines, and the recipe section made me literally gag. It's really just a fucking shame is what it is. Why my husband subscribed to this, of all the lady mags out there, is beyond me. Here's a sample:


Picadillo on Buns (or: "A Bunch Of Sick Ass Crap! And Buns!")
Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 1 lb lean ground beef. Stir, breaking up clumps with a spoon, until browned. Stir in a 14 1/2-oz can diced tomatoes with onion and garlic, 1/3 cup sliced pimiento-stuffed olives, 3 Tbsp raisins, 2 Tbsp each cider vinegar and tomato paste, 1 tsp each cinnamon, oregano and cumin, and 1/2 tsp kosher salt. Bring mixture to a simmer; cook 5 to 10 minutes for flavors to blend. Divide among 4 hamburger buns.

 Also included in the magazine are astoundingly useless instructionals such as 'Make Your Own Bookmarks', and '5 Ways With A Shower Curtain Liner'. The latter includes such helpful hints for alternative use of your shower curtain liner as "Stay dry at a picnic!" and "Make a waterslide!" The fun and practical, penny-saving reasons for having spare shower curtain liners on hand are endless.

 ...Moving on, i think i will just do this list style, and continue to add what y'all send me to the list. So send me examples of your partner's feminine wiles, and they too can be included. Here is what we have collected thus far:

*"My husband irons his clothes every morning. Even plain white t-shirts. And he reads House Beautiful on the shitter." --Ashley, Salt Lake City


*"Alex is a girl about how much underwear he has. He owns A LOT, all from American Apparel--its like his version of Victoria's Secret. Also, he cares way too much about his hair, more than i do and hair is my profession, so that's saying a lot. Also, he has pushed me into gross objects, cockroaches, dog poo, etc...to protect himself. --Kathleen, Baltimore

*"Actually I think, by definition, my husband IS a girl. Can't work with
his hands, no skills at building ANYTHING, even things with
detailed instructions, including, like, legos. ( I built that little
house in our backyard last summer by myself while 6-9 months pregnant
and ANYTIME I asked for help he would fuck it up. Every time. and then
would get super bummed when I would point out that mashing things into
place doesn't look good. So I stopped asking and he stopped helping
because we were going to get a divorce.) Very picky about everything that 

comes into the house and is very fashion-focused. Will tell me the new boots I
bought are shitty and I know he's right. He is literally my favorite
person to go shopping with. He is pretty much always right on, it's
crazy. Loves treats. Loves pink. One time at the Target in Sandy a man stopped 

him in the aisle all worried and asked if he was color blind because he was
wearing a pink and purple track jacket. The man was sincerely trying
to help him out, probably afraid for his life. He assured him that his
sight was just fine and the man stumbled away, so confused. He is also
very emotional, cries at the airport every time he leaves town, calls
everyday about how much he misses me and the kids. Has told me on
multiple occasions that he wishes he could breastfeed. He loves fruity cocktails and
good chocolate, worries about being fat, hates assholes who hate kids
on the plane, loves talking, talking on the phone and texting, ummmm.
I could go on and on.
He looks like young Fidel Castro and cannot pick up on, at times, even
the most obvious things without having it S P E L L E D  O U T, represents

the third x chromosome in our two daughters together and can play basketball 

on a regulation hoop, or else he would surely be mistaken for a girl." --Nahanni, Portland

*"Can you include my boyfriend's love for Real Simple Magazine? And how his female roommate subscribes, but he gets the mail most days, and rushes to the kitchen, bright-eyed, to see what treasures the new issue may hold...then compares the ingredient list to things he already has in the kitchen???"

 *"Also, every "girls' weekend" photo album, email chain, and storytelling session from our group of friends includes my boyfriend. I constantly find myself asking -- when stories are told about some 2003 trip to Myrtle Beach or whatnot -- "I thought you said it was a girls' weekend??" And the response is always... "yeah, but that means him, too." I'm waiting for him to start planning a bachelorette party 'just for fun.'"  --Annliese, Baltimore

* "My boyfriend reads my gossip magazines in the bathroom and stays in there for well over the designated shitting time. He then returns with his opinions on issues ranging from the attractiveness of Alexa Ray Joel and how sad it was that she tried to kill herself, as well as how cruel people are to Jessica Simpson. He also finds strip clubs offensive and embarrassing. LOVE HIM!" --Stephanie, Baltimore

* my husband... a girl... i don't know - i think he is just a fag. he spends his morning pottering around the garden and this morning he left for work then came rushing back into the house because he forgot to "do something to his tomahhhhtoes" (his gay accent isn't his fault, i realise he is english, but still). he didn't say what but i bet if i creeped around the shed i would have found him kissing each one and telling them that daddy will be home soon and that he loves them...--Elizabeth, UK

* "So...at first I had to force Peyton into watching Project Runway, then after awhile he stopped complaining out loud, and now not only does he participate with gusto in the critiques but also exclaims things like "well, my dress would be something like this..". To be fair he is a graphic designer in real life but still...I can't tell you how many times I've had to shush him so I can hear Michael Kors."   --Katie, Washington D.C.


* "My husband is a fucking slob. Total dude-bachelor. I am surprised he can even live with a woman. But then when he is cooking or something (girly).......he busts out (in a high pitched singing voice) with songs like, "Party in the USA" by, Miley and/or "California Girls" by, Katy Perry and knows EVERY SINGLE WORD. It skeeves me out to hear an Army officer singing about stilettos and bikini tops. I would personally kill for a man who is a bit cleaner, is more metro and reads girly mags. "       --Rebecca, Japan
                

 Last but by no means least, comes directly from my ex, a self-proclaimed "Gay-Not-Gay".  (He even lives in Miami and wears linen like a uniform, for crying out loud.) I completely forgot about this one, and he was stupid/awesome enough to remind me of this fucking GEM. I mean, this really takes the cake:

*"I  used to wear your long white skirt/slip thing in the mornings to get Beau breakfast when I was too tired to search for pants….. It became a habit due to it being so damn comfortable… I had to answer the door one time in it when a delivery arrived… The guy was like, "Umm…. Here’s your package, 'SIR'..." --Charlie, Miami

WOW. Good thing the Boy was too young to ever question Tranny Mornings With Dad. So, ladies (and gents too!), get on this boat! I can't wait to hear more Manginalogues! Send me a message! xox