Total Eclipse of My Anus

Oh man. Where do i begin? How can i even wrap words around this one? I suppose i must begin by unveiling the raging adolescent homosexual within me with the admission of Twilight Guilt. I read them, i read them all, and even possibly neglected one or more of my children during the more "angsty" chapters. I read the second book immediately after putting down the first one in disgust and continued through all of them in the space of a week. I came out with the sinking, confused feeling of wanting to fuck a non-existant, barely-legal vampire man (a non-existant man, for that matter: "Oh, Bella, you're my world, ohhh it's so hard doing the right thing ohhh i am richer than Oprah ohhh let me protect your virtue blehhhhh"--undead or not, this man has never walked the earth...) and knowing that shit ain't happenin', ever. This is much akin to the pouty frowns brought upon after the Harry Potter books when i realized that the acceptance letter brought by my owl was never coming, and i would never attend Hogwarts (or ANY school for witchcraft and wizardry, for that matter!!!). Such a buzzkill.

Next, i should point out that the country/worldwide phenomenon of Twilight is enhanced significantly here in Salt Lake City, the Capri Pant Capital of the Universe. For the zero of you who do not know, the series was penned by a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Premarital-Angst. And boy, do they have this shit nailed (pun). The Mormons will evidently do EVERYTHING but have premarital sex, which makes terrific fodder for angst-laden vampire novels. I learned this 'the hard way'. Or at least 'the weird way'. One time, whilst in the midst of a bikini wax, my waxer suggested i might wince less if i put some Anal-Ease on my ladyparts prior to the waxing:
-"I beg your pardon?" i tilted my head slightly upward.
-"That's what all my LDS clients do, " she calmly replied.
-"Did you just say Anal-Ease?" Perhaps i misheard her.
-"Ya, you know, like for anal sex?"
-"Mormons? Anal sex???"
-"Well ya, cause, you know, it's not actual sex."
-"I beg to differ."
-"Well you know, they can remain chaste in the church and still...you know. They do that 'soaking' thing too."
-"WHAT???" (Do not forget i am having hair ripped from what feels like my soul at this point.)
-"Soaking. It's when they don't move. They just...stay there. Still."
-"Sweet Jesus."
-"Ya. Put your leg on my shoulder."

And Stephenie Meyer has all these Mormon bitches creaming their capris, let me tell you. For the New Moon premiere awhile back, my 30-something-mom buddies and i decided to get our gay on and join every single tween and morbidly obese person in the entire valley at the Megaplex. "We're gay too!" we might as well have screamed. It was bedlam. So packed with losers of varying degrees you wouldn't believe it. At one point right before the show, one of the obese audience members (whose largesse prevented her/it from actually occupying a movie seat and was forced to sit on the outside of the aisle in the handicapped zone) actually started howling. Oh my God. And then she/it yelled, "Free popcorn for everybody!!!" Fortunately i had had enough wine at that point in the night to yell back, "Chill it, Howlin' Wolf, you don't need any more goddamn popcorn!"

Anyhoo, i love love love going to the movies no matter what, and i most love going with my 9-year-old, Beau. It gives us some rare time alone together, and his company is especially appreciated when he acts as the artifice behind which i hide my utter nerdiness. Like when i'm seeing any of the Harry Potter movies for the third time in the theater, for example. The time i went alone, i fended off some "nerd alert!" looks by casually tossing my head and mentioning to the family in line behind me, "Yeah, my kids LOVE these movies." They smiled and nodded, utterly but politely aware of the fact that i was there completely solo.

Tonight was similar, although it is perhaps slightly less convincing to strangers that a 9-year-old boy wants to check out Taylor Lautner's ripped abs and piggy face. (Team Edward all the way, bitches.) And the movie basically sucked my delicious balls. It was entertaining, and i liked the fighting alright, but dang. It was even a little too gay for me. The best part, however, was the scene where Jacob and Edward have a heart to heart in a tiny tent in the mountains. I am sure you can see where i am headed here, but i'll say it anyway: My deepest desire was for Jacob to go totally fucking Heath Ledger on Edward's Gyllenhaal ass and get it over with. That is the only possible way it could've been gayer than it already was, and it would've been far more straightforward and enjoyable.

Oh yeah, and speaking of gay, i forgot to mention the buncha Mormons (who else?) sitting behind us. Apparently this was a big event for the lot of them, and they wanted to be sure they got some GREAT pictures. So right before the movie the husbands stood in the front of the theater and took group shots of their wives sitting in the theater seats until "Oh! Uh-oh, the memory card's full!" said one husband. "Oh my God," said Beau. "That is the most annoying thing in the WORLD. What is the matter with them?"

In short, see this movie if you: A) are a Mormon fucknut, B) you are bringing your tweenage daughter you are attempting to keep chaste via vampire undead unsex, or C), like me, you simply have no self-control whatsoever. The best part of the whole movie? The Harry Potter Deathly Hallows preview. Totally righteous.


  1. hahhhahahahahahhahahahahahhahaahahahhahahahha
    thank you. more moremoreee yesss

  2. Hilarious. But, um, if you are truly as gay as you say you are, or as me, you'll know that it's Hallows. Thanksverymuch.

  3. oh shit! you're right. typo--still 100%gay.

  4. My hairy back and Navajo restaurant legacy predispose me to Team Jacob. And another term for "soaking," as relayed by one Patrick Lambert, is "baking in the oven." What is wrong with these people?